Melchester star "homesick"

Melchester Rovers' star midfielder, the Brazilian Carlos Cashinio, is threatening to return home to be with his family. Speaking through his agent he is reported to have said " The weather is awful, the food is inedible, my team-mates are morons and local women are like dogs. I also miss my family".
Melchester manager, Brian "Nobby" Williams told fans at a forum last night, "Carlos is suspended for the next ten games (for head-butting the Granchester City mascot last week) but we will fight to keep him at the club".

Latest result:
Sarsons Vinegar Div 3 (East): Melchester Rovers 0: GranchesterCity 6

Pensioners attacked in car.

Stowmarket businessman Chaz Windsor and his female companion recently described the unfortunate incident.
Speaking exclusively to The Stowmarket Bugle, Chaz (64), still visibly shaken, went though the events.
"Mrs Compote-Berry and myself were out for a quiet drive in my vintage Bentley when we stopped at red traffic lights next to The Spotted Cow. All of a sudden the car was surrounded by drunken louts who were screaming abuse and showering the car with beer and various food items. Unfortunately one of the louts managed to open a car window and attacked Mrs Compote-Berry with a crabstick. When the lights changed to amber we drove off as fast as possible."
PC Kettle of Stowmarket Police reported to The Bugle; "The Spotted Cow is very popular with students but we suspect that these attackers may be part of a local anarchist group".
Following the incident the Police are advising elderly businessmen in vintage Bentleys to avoid the area.

Other news from The Bugle:
Stowmarket woman arrested in Thailand.
New refuse collection plan described as "madness".
Seagull attacks pensioner.

Horticulture News

Following a plant-gathering expedition to China in 2008 , Dr. David Whitely of the Melton Mowbray Horticulture Research Facility has released details of several new species of Rose found on the trip.
The new species have been named after extensive testing in UK field trials.

"Rosa cameronii": unusual blue flowers but an unpleasant aroma when close up.
"Rosa millibandii": very vigorous climber but no other interesting qualities.
"Rosa cleggii": grows best in the shade. Weak.
"Rosa rooneyii": needs constant attention and regular feeding.
"Rosa johnsonii": rampant and wild growth, needs regular pruning.
"Rosa eriksonii": hard to contain, produces vigorous growth then dies back.

Pietersen autobiography latest

An exclusive extract from the forthcoming "KP" autobiography...............
Entry August 31st 2010....
"Those bastards have dropped me. How could they? I em clearly the bist player that has ever played for this rotten little ahland. Now I have to waste ma time playing county crickit while that bunch of losers play the Pakistani cheats. How am I supposed to earn decent money? Ahm off to post on Twitter..................."

Milk thief scared off!

According to the Newbury Recorder and Argus, a brazen attempt to steal milk from a primary school was just stopped in time.
Eyewitness Mrs E. Currie said "I saw this dodgy bloke hanging around St. Camerons Primary School shortly after the morning milk delivery. I shouted loudly and he ran off, dropping two bottles in the process. A few years ago a local vagrant known as 'Mad Thatch' was caught stealing milk from the same school."

Other stories from the Newbury Recorder.
"Sven seen shopping in local butchers".
"Local man visits Reading".
"Ant nuisance grows".

Cameron-Diaz greets fans.

Returning from his triumphant USA tour, Dave Cameron- Diaz took time to meet fans in central London yesterday. Surrounded by dozens of adoring security officials Dave spent more than 10 minutes in Leicester Square before cycling home.
Long-standing fan Doris Stokes, aged 81, from Eastbourne, said "I thought Maggie was coming".

"Fatty" jibe sparked brawl.

Speaking exclusively to The Worcester Independent Observer after his acquittal on assault charges, Irishman Eddie Homes was keen to clear his name.

"I was leaving Mrs Miggins' Pie Shop on Station Road when I was subjected to verbal abuse by Mr Culvert: naturally I thumped the little fecker".
"Mr Culvert has since apologised for the insulting remarks and has accepted that my large weight is a result of a hormonal disorder and not my love of pies".

Other stories from The Worcester Independent Observer:

"Sven seen shopping in Worcester".
"Local Newt group disbanded".
"Bush stolen from park".

Film and TV latest

Rumours circulating:

Al Pacino to play lead part in new biopic of the life of legendary British comedian Kenneth Williams.

Mickey Rourke to guest in Coronation Street as long lost brother of Ken Barlow.

Sven for Melchester?

Ex-England supremo Sven-Goran Eriksson is thought to be interested in the post of manager at Melchester Rovers.
A spokesman for the Swede is reported as describing Melchester as " a sleeping giant".
Melchester Rovers finished bottom of the Sarsons Vinegar Midlands League Division Three.

Mr Eriksson is 62

Boxing latest

Defeat for British champion in Washington:

British Lightweight,Davy("The Toff") McCameron was beaten over 10 rounds yesterday by American Borat("The Beast")Assama. Despite scoring a few early points, "TheToff" was eventually no match for the powerful, quick-footed Assama.
After the fight British trainer Billy( "The Kid") McHague,admitted that McCameron was outclassed by the American .
McCameron is next in line to fight the winner of the clash between the two Millipede brothers, Dave (The Brain") and Ed ("The Hopeless").

George Galloway is 56

Chinese fertility crisis

Responding to criticism over the continuing illegal trade in Tiger parts into China, an anonymous government spokesperson said that Tiger parts were still widely regarded as aphrodisiacs in China.

Population of China: 1.3 billion
Annual rise in Chinese population: 12-13 million
Estimated wild population of Tigers: 3,500
Population of Tigers kept as pets in USA: up to 12,000
Population of South China Tiger: 59 ( all in captivity)
Drop in wild Tiger population since 1990: 96.8%

Golf "not boring"; it's official

Researchers at The United Pentecostal University in Iowa played 8 hours of BBC golf coverage to a group of laboratory rats. The same group were then shown 8 hours of live footage from a Chris de Burgh tour.
Leading researcher, Alvin Mason-Dixon Snr, stated "The rats were much more active during the golf footage".

Another group of rats was shown all Bolton Wanderers home matches from the 2009/2010 season but, sadly, none survived the test.

John Inverdale is 53.

Liverpool news

Rumours abound that Rafa Benitez is going to raid the Liverpool squad in an attempt to sign many of the stars that he bought to Anfield.
Targets are thought to be: Nabil El Zhar, Phillip Deggen, David NGog, Ryan Babbel and defender Kyrgiakos.
Insiders say that Inter Milan would accept £10m for the deal.

Pop news

Latest rumours from the wacky world of pop include:

Iggy Pop to be the new face of Garnier.

Tom Jones to record 70's tribute album
Legendary singer Jones to cover 70's classics including "Gabba Gabba Hey"(Ramones), New Rose"(The Damned), "Whole Wide World"(Wreckless Eric) and the Fall classic "How I wrote elastic man".

Ringo Starr still alive.

Bob Dylan: Mongolian tour dates coming soon.

BBC "One Show"

Following the departure of Adrian Chiles and Christine Bleakley the BBC are struggling to find suitable replacements. New hosts Louise Minchin and Matt Baker are both decent professionals but have a collective charisma deficiency not seen since Graeme Hick played cricket for England.
Other possible presenting doubles include:

Paul Gascoigne and Germaine Greer
Kenny Dalglish and Sam Fox
Piers Morgan and a mirror
Alan Hansen and Sue Barker.
Wilf Self and Katie Price.
John Lydon and Peter Beardsley

Chicken wins Lottery

Welsh farmer Daffyd Williams is recovering from the shock of winning £2.5M on the Lottery. The winning numbers were apparently chosen by his pet chicken "Meg" who pointed out the numbers with her beak. Talking exclusively to The West Wales Echo and Star, Mr Williams (recently divorced, 59) said "I shall build "Meg" and her flock a new run, sell all my sheep, and become an alcoholic. There's no future in farming any more".

Other recent stories from The West Wales Echo and Star:
"Local angler catches fish on holiday in Barry".
"Local pensioner goes to London".
"Councillor accused of naked bathing".
"Rook menace increases".

Wind turbines good for health.

A recent report produced for the independent body WEIF ("Wind energy is fun") claims to show that, contrary to the claims of people living near wind farms, turbines near homes are actually beneficial. A spokesman for WIEF stated that "The constant dull whooshing noise produced by turbines has been shown to increase the sleeping times of laboratory rats". Apparently rats not kept near turbines spent much more time each day engaged in pointless activity such as foraging and socialising and therefore slept less.

Bob Dylan Appeal

Fans of the legend that is Bob Dylan are increasingly worried about the effect that years of constant touring are having on the ageing maestro. Recent concert reviews indicate that Dylan seems unable or unwilling to remember or pronounce any of the lyrics that have made him the literary giant that he is today.
A fund has been created to allow Bob time to rest and recover from the ardours of touring.
Please send donations to;

"Bob Dylan Recovery Fund"
PO Box 66
Duluth
Minnesota.

Namibian tour dates coming soon.

Footballers to get media coach

In an attempt to improve communication between England players and the fans, the FA has appointed a new Media Coach.
Speaking from his Capetown office, the new coach, Kees van der Boer said "Ah em virry heppy to be working with England. To be fair, Wazza and the leds are 110% behand the ahdea and we hope to go from stringth to stringth".
Mr de Boer has previously worked with Peter Beardsley and other sportsmen and women.

An FA spokesman was keen to point out that an English coach would not have been ruled out but the FA decided to follow the example of the English Cricket team and to employ mainly South Africans.

Emmanuel Adebayor was unavailable for comment.

Model lashes out at Cole

In an outspoken interview with the Bexley Argus and Tribune, model Hayley Windfall(34-25-33, brunette, aged 21) has attacked Ashley Cole the Chelsea and England footballer for failing to send her a single text or photo.
"I'm absolutely gutted.I check my mobile at least 50 times a day and so far there has been nothing at all." Wiping away tears, Hayley said "It's as if I don't exist".
Hayleys' mother, Veronica, added "It's not as if Mr Cole is unaware of Hayley as she was in the last 16 of Miss Sarsons Vinegar in 2008".
Mr Cole is 29.

Other stories from The Bexley Argus and Tribune:

"Council fails to act over tide table printing error".
"Bexley man opens theme pub in Teneriffe"
"New roundabout in Pier Street condemned as health risk by pensioners"
"Vandals damage bench".
"Nun tied to tree".

Fish smuggler cleared

St. Albans resident Mr Youssou N'door has been found not guilty of the illegal export of hundreds of kilos of fish from the UK to Senegal. Defence Barrister Nigel Hardly-Credible issued a statement on behalf of his client. "It is regrettable that hundreds of thousands of pounds of taxpayers money has been spent on this trial when it was clear from the start that most of the fish had in fact been stolen from Senegalese waters by illegal fishing sanctioned by the EU. It is the EU fishing policy which should be on trial not my client".
Mr N'door is 49.

Welsh Assembly fights Bovine TB

Following their problems with the proposed Badger cull, the Welsh assembly are reportedly re thinking their approach to the Bovine TB problem. An Assembly insider, who chose to remain anonymous, suggested that extermination of cattle rather than Badgers may be the solution. "We could rid Wales of many moaning farmers, clear the roads of slow-moving farm vehicles and concentrate on covering the landscape in highly profitable wind turbines".

Blair on Brown

According to the eminently sane Peter Mandelson, Tony Blair described Gordon Brown as "mad, bad, dangerous and beyond hope of redemption". Just the sort of person that you would choose to run the economy.
Thank heavens that we had Blair in charge all those years not his nutter neighbour.
Following the General Election defeat Brown has vanished although there was one reported sighting of him during the World Cup in Kirkaldy town centre wearing a Bastian Schweinsteiger shirt, clutching a can of Tennants Extra, and shouting at passers-by

Sven for X Factor?

Should Cheryl Cole fail to recover in time, we understand that Sven -Goran Eriksson would be keen to replace her on the next series of X Factor.
Sven has shown an extraordinary talent for earning huge sums of money from very little tangible success so would make an excellent mentor.

Thierry Henry handed new job

Ex Arsenal and France ace has joined the New York Red Bulls. When asked if he thought Henry would feel the pressure of carrying the team, Bulls spokesman Randy Legwarmer said " Mr Henry has shown that he can handle pretty much anything".

Tiger breeding news.

Researchers at a leading German Zoo claim that the fertility of male Tigers may be greatly increased by the addition of an extract obtained from the human penis. A spokesman for the Zoo however stated that there would probably be a shortage of penis donors. They are appealing for spare penises to be donated. Chinese Zoologists have however described the fertility claims as "superstitious rubbish".

Manchester City news

Rumours coming from the City of Manchester Stadium suggest that a team of builders and furniture designers have been hired to build extra length seating areas for the subs bench in advance of the 2010-2011 season. The new seating will incorporate online banking facilities for players. In addition the medical team will be joined by leading Swiss splinter expert Dr Manheim.

Celebrity City fan Mark E Smith is reported to have said "No chairs in my house".

American cleared of tourist murders.

A court in Iowa has cleared a man of killing two Japanese tourists. The defendant claimed that he was simply carrying out research on the Japanese population and that the most effective way of doing so was to kill approximately 200 individuals per year. The jury, consisting mainly of immigrants from Caribbean islands, found this argument persuasive.

FA embraces technology.

Following the shambolic exit of England from the recent World Cup, and the Lampard "goal" incident, The English FA has decided to take the lead and introduce technology.Centre half Terry will be fitted with a satellite tracker so that the rest of the defence will be able to locate him. The device is similar to those used on large, slow-moving animals such as Elephants.

News, but not as we know it.

Welcome.