Media Tycoon Grilled.

Local Media tycoon, Rupert Burdock (83), was grilled by magistrates during a recent court appearance.
Burdock, owner of the Melton Mowbray Argus, and two other titles, was in court as a result of non-payment of parking fines totalling hundreds of pounds accrued by vehicles owned by his papers.
Looking frail and confused, Mr Burdock seemed completely unaware of the activities of the majority of his employees and was often prompted by his (Indonesian) wife Rai Took sitting behind him.
When questioned about specific employees Mr Burdock was at pains to explain that The Argus was a very small part of his total business and that he had been let down by some trusted staff members.
The hearing continues on July 24th.

Argus latest...........

'Sex-change GP denied housing benefit'
'Monster Pike spotted in canal'
'Car wing mirrors damage by vandals'

Windfarm threat to homes.

The idyllic village of Nether Petherton in Devon is under threat following proposals by multinational energy conglomerate ARSE Renewables to install 50 wind turbines on a site known locally as 'The Farm'.
The turbines, each 300 feet tall, would, according to ARSE, generate enough green power for 25,00 homes.
However local opposition is gathering strength. Speaking on behalf of the local group, ' No ARSE in Petherton', Charles Parker (MBE) stated that ' On-shore windfarms are increasingly shown to be unreliable and financially viable only because of massive subsidy'. ' There are only 300 homes in the area most of which are within 2Km of the proposed site'.
Local farmer, Roger Windfall, who owns most of the proposed site, stated ' I am in in favour as I will be able to retire and collect the income from ARSE. I hate farming anyway'.
Speaking on behalf of ARSE Renewables, PR Consultant Roger Rogerson said ' We are simply following UK Government policy and anyway there is no noise pollution, visible impact nor negative affect on property values'.
Local Green Party representative Martha Twatt stated 'This is great news for the planet and I live miles away'.

Melchester boss sacked.

In a shock move, Melchester owner and local businessman, Luther Vandross , announced the decision shortly after Melchester finished second in their division.
The club issued a statement thanking Mr Williams for his service.
Meanwhile Melchester are desperate to keep Brazilian star Carlos Cashinio who has made it clear that he wants to move to be nearer his family( in Sao Paulo). Local rivals Grantford Utd are favourites to sign the player should he leave. Speaking exclusively to The Melchester Argus , Cashinio stated 'This move is nothing to do with money'.

Other news from The Argus.

'Sex attack did not happen say police'.
'Local man dies in Peru'.
'Car damaged at night'.

Football latest:

Grantford Utd 0 Melchester 1 (Cashinio pen 67 minutes).

Melchester star "homesick"

Melchester Rovers' star midfielder, the Brazilian Carlos Cashinio, is threatening to return home to be with his family. Speaking through his agent he is reported to have said " The weather is awful, the food is inedible, my team-mates are morons and local women are like dogs. I also miss my family".
Melchester manager, Brian "Nobby" Williams told fans at a forum last night, "Carlos is suspended for the next ten games (for head-butting the Granchester City mascot last week) but we will fight to keep him at the club".

Latest result:
Sarsons Vinegar Div 3 (East): Melchester Rovers 0: GranchesterCity 6

Pensioners attacked in car.

Stowmarket businessman Chaz Windsor and his female companion recently described the unfortunate incident.
Speaking exclusively to The Stowmarket Bugle, Chaz (64), still visibly shaken, went though the events.
"Mrs Compote-Berry and myself were out for a quiet drive in my vintage Bentley when we stopped at red traffic lights next to The Spotted Cow. All of a sudden the car was surrounded by drunken louts who were screaming abuse and showering the car with beer and various food items. Unfortunately one of the louts managed to open a car window and attacked Mrs Compote-Berry with a crabstick. When the lights changed to amber we drove off as fast as possible."
PC Kettle of Stowmarket Police reported to The Bugle; "The Spotted Cow is very popular with students but we suspect that these attackers may be part of a local anarchist group".
Following the incident the Police are advising elderly businessmen in vintage Bentleys to avoid the area.

Other news from The Bugle:
Stowmarket woman arrested in Thailand.
New refuse collection plan described as "madness".
Seagull attacks pensioner.

Horticulture News

Following a plant-gathering expedition to China in 2008 , Dr. David Whitely of the Melton Mowbray Horticulture Research Facility has released details of several new species of Rose found on the trip.
The new species have been named after extensive testing in UK field trials.

"Rosa cameronii": unusual blue flowers but an unpleasant aroma when close up.
"Rosa millibandii": very vigorous climber but no other interesting qualities.
"Rosa cleggii": grows best in the shade. Weak.
"Rosa rooneyii": needs constant attention and regular feeding.
"Rosa johnsonii": rampant and wild growth, needs regular pruning.
"Rosa eriksonii": hard to contain, produces vigorous growth then dies back.

Pietersen autobiography latest

An exclusive extract from the forthcoming "KP" autobiography...............
Entry August 31st 2010....
"Those bastards have dropped me. How could they? I em clearly the bist player that has ever played for this rotten little ahland. Now I have to waste ma time playing county crickit while that bunch of losers play the Pakistani cheats. How am I supposed to earn decent money? Ahm off to post on Twitter..................."